engrams | [ Noctium ic inbox ]

See? You get it.

Not so much a gig than I found myself a little up and coming street racing ring. Seems right up your alley. Mine, too. I get to kick back and watch and place my bets, instead of fearing for my life with you behind the wheel and me stuck in your head. Win-win.

What I get is you wouldn't know what the fuck to do with yourself if there wasn't an opportunity to complain

What're you gonna complain about if you're happy?

[ But all that aside... ]

Street racing? You want me to race for you? Jesus, Johnny, that's the most romantic thing I ever heard

[ >) ]

I’ll find something.

[Also what. V why.]

Romantic my ass. I want you to make some money for me, you gonk merc. If you’re gonna try to get out of it by making it weird, it’s not gonna work.

Nothing weird about romance to most people, just you

Anyway you coulda asked me to do anything and instead you found something I fuckin love

[Exactly. Maybe it’s less a chore to hang over his head than Johnny finding something they’d both enjoy. Maybe he’s going soft. Who fucking knows these days.

Either way, like hell if anyone is getting that out of him.]

You’re just a kid. You’ll get it when you’re my age, been through the same shit I have.

So that a “yes” or what?

I saw some of the shit you went though, remember?

[ Admittedly V's not anywhere close to assuming he knows exactly what went down. Hardly like Johnny's the most reliable narrator in the world. ]

Course it's a yes

Been thinkin I need to get a bike or a car to work on

Yeah and you only saw some of the ugly bits and pieces. Should give you an idea of what the rest would’ve been like.

Whatever. You didn’t message me so you could talk romance. Find yourself a junker and pretty her up. I’m sure it’d be more than enough for you to race.

That said, looks like I got myself a new music student.

Know that means you gotta actually tell me bout them?

[ Getting blood from a stone might be easier when all's said and done as soon as conversation ever turns to how Johnny feels about these things. ]

How'd you know I didn't? If anybody needs some I'd nominate you, asshole

But whatever, fine. I'll start looking now

You're probably gonna regret it but I'm gonna try my best this time

Why’s it matter? You wanna hear how messy everything always got? How I perfected the art of using and losing people? Use your imagination. There’s nothing to tell that you couldn’t already guess at.

[Blood from a stone is right.]

I’m gonna choose to ignore that remark and focus on the music. Maybe I will regret it, but if you’re willing to PAY ATTENTION then maybe it’ll be worth it. Get you playing on stage. Kerry’ll shit himself.

Who the fuck taught you that being vulnerable with people you trust is weak? Serious question

[ Seems like V's decided hammering on that stone is worth it... the paying attention part can wait. ]

Putting words in my mouth, V. Said there’s no need to talk about it is all. Just don’t see a point.

[If V’s going to prod, then Johnny’s going to dig his heels in.]

How the fuck did this turn into a cross-examination, huh?

Didn't answer the question. Can't put words in your mouth if you got your own

Unless you're saying you got no problem with being vulnerable

Why's this feeling like a cross examination to ya?

Because you’re riding my ass about it, that’s why.

Christ, is this supposed to be about learning guitar or not? Didn’t know this was gonna to be a psychological deep cut in the making.

If I was riding your ass you'd know about it

And yeah it was about that but now it's not

You're not comfortable talking about shit that's got even a fraction to do with how you feel deep down and I'm asking where you learned that from

And before you say it again cuz I know how you feel about repeating yourself... I'm not putting words in your mouth. I'm telling you what I see. You said you don't see the point talking about something but there's a point, just sounds like a bad excuse to me

Okay, so tell me the fucking point then.

The point is this is what people do when they give a shit about each other

They want to learn and understand. Not like you and me never talked about heavy shit before. Except before you were inside my head and now we don't got the luxury of just knowing shit

[ Sorry, Johnny boy. V's rolling now... ]

I mean fuck, the shit nobody's saying right now is exactly what I'm talking about

You touched me at that party and it's the first time I felt close to whole again for months

And I can imagine what your expression probably looks like right now when you read that but what I'm trying to figure out is why it's probably like that

[Okay. What the fuck? What the fuck. V’s on a roll, tumbling down a direction Johnny isn’t sure where it leads, something nestling uncomfortably in his chest like bramble. He hates uncertainty, hates not knowing exactly what V thinks they’re dancing around. Though the merc brings up their fleeting moment of touch at the party, and maybe that’s part of the answer.

Johnny groans. Then types, a frown on his face.]

So because we shared a mind and a soul means you got some grand privilege to all of my thoughts and feelings now? I’m obligated to answer on command even if I don’t want to? Or don’t have enough time to string my thoughts together before you go on a tangent again? Fuck that.

Hadn’t realized a second of touch was something we weren’t talking about.

[That is only 80 percent true.]

Even so, that surprising to you? Used to be nearly a single person, V, then got torn in two. Still got pieces of each other where they don’t belong. Sync’s gonna be strong. What’s your point?

[ Welp, that definitely hurts. ]

What? You didn't say you don't want to or that you needed time to think about it at all

But okay. Not exactly how synchrony works way I understand it. So - maybe you're either lying to me or lying to yourself or you really don't know and I don't know which it is

Since you might not want to talk about it or might need time to think about it, I won't bring it up again unless you do. I got the message

Figured me not being gung-ho with answering was big enough of a hint.

[Christ.]

Oh, so you got a baseline for what it’s supposed to feel like between two people who shared a body?

V, if you’re fishing for some kind of answer out of me, just spit it out. I don’t have time to play guesswork at what you want.

Since when do you wait for people to take hints?

Synchrony doesn't fuckin work one sided Johnny

I'm not fishing for anything. Usually what happens when one person explains how they felt, other person usually shares too. Let me guess... you don't want to share because I'm not entitled and don't have a grand privilege to your feelings about that either

Am I close or you gonna accuse me of putting words in your mouth again?

Screw you. Don’t patronize me and pretend I don’t know that you’re upset because you’re not hearing what you want to hear.

[Johnny thrives on knee jerk and impulse reactions, on callousness to cover up uncertainty. A little voice in his head says he should step back; everything else is fire, hackles raised.]

What’d you want, huh? Me to fixate on it the same way you have? Come up to you and ask if you wanna hold hands to “feel whole” again? Or fuck it outta our systems?

[The Silverhand special: be mean about it. Shut it down quick.]

Fooling yourself if you think I was going to do a single, damn thing.

You think I'm upset cuz you didn't say what I wanted you to say? Johnny you said nothing at all

Trust me I know you're not singing off of anybody else's song sheet but your own. That's why I fuckin asked you

You want to be a dick about it go ahead but I already saw this routine before

And yeah that hurt but know what? I'm not too scared to admit that I have feelings to hurt in the first place

Yeah, I’m so predictable, and you’re just as dense as a bag of bricks as always.

Ever think that a non-answer is an answer? Ever think that maybe people choose to ignore things and pretend nothing happened for a reason?

Original. Call me a gonk too if it makes ya feel like that's gonna convince me otherwise. I'm not stupid Johnny

Bunch of reasons but I don't know what yours is. Bet you want me to think you're just an asshole to the core but I know that's not true either so

What exactly am I supposed to think?

I am an asshole but ain’t it.

Goddamn it

Why are you so eager to make things more complicated than they are? Can’t you just accept that I don’t even wanna think about this?

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